I FEED YOU. YOU FEED ME.

Whenever I post it’s always about a real world problems from real world folks. (Myself included.)

Recently, many of my clients have received feedback that didn’t quite land. Let’s talk about that.

Dr. Brene Brown, says “If we shield ourselves from all feedback, we stop growing,” She also says “If you are not in the arena also getting your ass kicked I’m not interested in your feedback.”

What Dr. Brown is highlighting here is the importance of "context and discernment" in receiving feedback. Not all of it is created equal and it is often too general, uniformed, not actionable, or given without request from someone on the "sidelines."

At The Wren Way, when feedback makes my clients feel icky, I teach them the Big Three Pillars of feedback discernment. They are:

1. "Not My People:" If you answer NO to any of the below questions the feedback giver is, most likely, not for you and not helping you.

Does this person align with my value system? My innate sense of right and wrong? Do they respect me and have my best interests in mind? Did I ask for feedback in the first place? Would you seek this person out for professional advice in the area addressed? Do I respect or even like them?

2. “Consider the Source” If you answer NO to any of the below questions the feedback giver is probably well intended but not qualified to give you the feedback you are looking for.

Am I asking for feedback around a specific arena, profession, or discipline that this person has prior experience and knowledge of? When asked for feedback, was this person engaged, present, and clear about the specific situation or experience? Did this person give actionable feedback or vague generalizations? Are they willing to elaborate?

3. "Tell Me More:” These are the questions that, if you say YES to, then you might want to take a deep breath, feel the discomfort, and invite them to elaborate on their feedback. Stay open.

Were they clear and kind (vs. callous and casual) with their words? Do they share my values and vision? Have they proven, in the past, to be insightful and trustworthy? Even if I felt resistance, did I also feel they might have some insight? Do I respect and admire them?

Remember, feedback is a gift that can refine your skills, propel your career forward, and, sometimes, change your whole life, but NOT when it’s coming from the wrong source. It’s your job to:
• Define your values.
• Trust your instincts.
• Ask the right questions and the right people.
• Decide who can truly help you grow into your best self
• And when it ain’t the right source, ignore it with confidence!

Then, you will never be left “hungry.”

******

Jennifer Wren, founder of The Wren Way, is a Life and Leadership Coach who helps mid-life women stop feeling stuck and start having fun though the intentional practice of compassion, play, curiosity and aligned action.